A conservative news and views blog.

Location: St. Louis, Missouri, United States

Wednesday, May 30, 2012

The Zombie Apocalypse is at Hand

Timothy Birdnow

It's official; the Apocalypse is at hand.

Case in point; a man in Miami ate another guy's face off his skull. The naked perp, one Rudy Eugene, 31, was shot to death while dining on the face of the victim, who apparently resembled Mayor McCheese, or at least looked that way to Mr. Eugene. Eugene was high on "bath salts" a new and powerful hallucigenic. Word has it that McDonalds will include a packet of said salts with every Happy Meal.

In a similar vein (and one hopes Mr. Eugene does not think those veins are spaghetti noodles) a man assaulted several police officers with his own intestines. It seems that the 43 year old Hackensack, N.J. man - Wayne Carter - was confronted by police who had reason to believe he was going to do himself harm. Mr. Carter decided to prove them wrong by slicing open his stomach and disgorging his intestines, which he proceeded to throw at the police. One wonders if he isn't a member of Occupy Wall Street.

These two stories were enough to make radio talk show host Dana Loesche proclaim a zombie apocalypse. Little did she know it would keep getting worse!

Word has reached the American heartland that the Conservative Party of Brian Harper has received the regards of some liberal zombies (no doubt members of the Labour Party) in the form of human body parts.

Yes, a hand, a foot, and other asundry parts were mail-ordered to the government. A human torso was discovered in an apartment complex later, thus leading investigators to speculate that this was the particular contributor in question.

But the final sign of the coming of Son of Perdition has been found; 70lbs. Justin Bieber stands accused of beating up a photographer, and may perhaps get six months jail time.

Clearly, the 70th Week of Daniel has come. Soon the sun will be black as sackcloth and the moon as red as blood. Face eating zombies, self-disemboweling madmen, and asundry body parts are all signs of the times, but when Bieber kicks someone's darrier...

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