It`s So Fun Being an Illegal Alien

Thanks, Learner!


The Honorable Paul S. Sarbanes
Senate Office Building Bu
309 Hart
Washington DC , 20510

Dear Senator Sarbanes,

As a native Marylander and excellent customer of the
Internal Revenue Service, I am writing to ask for your
assistance. I have contacted the Department of
Homeland Security in an effort to determine the
process for becoming an illegal alien and they
referred me to you.

My primary reason for wishing to change my status from
U.S. Citizen to illegal alien stem from the bill which
was recently passed by the Senate and for which you
voted. If my understanding of this bill’s provisions
is accurate, as an illegal alien who has been in the
United States for five years, all I need to do to
become a citizen is to pay a $2,000 fine and income
taxes for three of the last five years. I know a good
deal when I see one and I am anxious to get the
process started before everyone figures it out! Simply
put, those of us who have been here legally have had
to pay taxes every year so I’m excited about the
prospect of avoiding two years of taxes in return for
paying a $2,000 fine. Is there any way that I can
apply to be illegal retroactively? This would yield an
excellent result for me and my family because we paid
heavy taxes in 2004 and 2005.

Additionally, as an illegal alien I could begin using
the local emergency room as my primary health care
provider. Once I have stopped paying premiums for
medical insurance, my accountant figures I could save
almost $10,000 a year.

Another benefit in gaining illegal status would be
that my daughter would receive preferential treatment
relative to her law school applications, as well as
in-state tuition rates for many colleges throughout
the United States for my son.

Lastly, I understand that illegal status would
relieve
me of the burden of renewing my driver’s license and
making those burdensome car insurance premiums. This
is very important to me given that I still have
college age children driving my car.

If you would provide me with an outline of the process
to become illegal (retroactively if possible) and
copies of the necessary forms, I would be most
appreciative. Thank you for your assistance.

Your Loyal Constituent,

Pete McGlaughlin