Happy Groundsquirrel Day
I once gained stature as the wizened old man on the mountain, the oracle, the keeper of all knowledge. I accomplished this amazing feat by choosing the right Halloween candy, and my name has become legend in certain circles and (I am sure) continues to remain so to this very day! It`s a long, sad tale, one which illustrates the complete incompetence of the American public school system. Let me begin this great epic where all great epics should start-the beginning!
My wife went to work at the document center for a well known financial institution (which, in the interest of jurisprudential prudence, shall remain nameless) and there was placed in a department filled with products of the public educational system. These people hated each-other, and were forced to attend mandatory Saturday ``conflict resolution`` classes because they could barely work together. Things improved after my wife`s arrival-she`s a very calm and easy to get along with-but this bunch lacked the most rudimentary knowledge of the world. (The center has since closed.) Most knew who Bill Clinton was, and had enthusiastically voted for him, but couldn`t name any other public figure. They all rushed out eagerly to mattress sales because they believed you had to buy a new one each year; their jaws hit the floor when my wife told them that you were supposed to turn the mattress, not exchange it yearly! They were deathly afraid of germs, and put their fruits and vegetables in the dishwasher to sterilize them (and open numerous micro pits which allowed in more bacteria). They were, as the ignorant and liberal often are, absolutely convinced of the correctness of their position, and would defend the most preposterous positions to the point of bloodshed.
So, how did I become the Great Oracle? We lived in a mixed neighborhood, and Halloween was fast approaching. In order to have candy to give to the children I went to a nearby Big Lots, and bought a variety from them. Since I wasn`t overly concerned with name brands, I purchased a collection of old-fashioned, cheaper candies such as Clark Bars, Mary Janes, Now or Laters, etc. After Halloween we had a large amount of candy left and, since we are both diabetic, my wife took the remains into work. It turns out that this is what they call ``ghetto mix``, and my wife`s co-workers asked where she got it. She explained that I bought it, which catapulted me to instant stardom with them, since I had (in their words) ``soul``. After this fortuitous event, I became the source of all knowledge to them; whenever there was a dispute they demanded my wife obtain an official pronouncement from me! I became a legend...
At any rate, one of the disputes I had to arbitrate in my Solomonic role was the Great Groundhog/Groundsquirrel imbroglio. The argument was over the animal used to predict the length of winter; was it a groundhog or groundsquirrel. They came to conclude the latter, and wouldn`t listen to my wife, who was ordered to summon my great wisdom. They also couldn`t agree on the actual terms of the groundsquirrel; if it saw it`s shadow was it six more weeks or months of winter? They concluded the latter, but asked for my confirmation.
Of course, my wife knew full well that it was a groundhog and that six months of winter meant cold weather till August, but she kept her peace until the next day. She gently explained the truth, leaving out the 6 months business lest it embarrass them. My stature grew!
So, what is the point? First, I want to wish you all a happy groundsquirrel day! Second, I wanted to point out the near-total failure of public education in this country. There is no earthly reason for people to be so ill-informed if they have gotten out of high school; this terrible ignorance is a function of liberal intellectual and social experimentation in the classrooms, of a system intended to indoctrinate rather than educate (these people were all good Democrats), and an example of the failure of unionization of teachers. Our educational system is a mess. Those who doubt that statement need merely read the above!
On the upside, six more months of winter should be able to silence the Global Warming crowd for good! Happy groundsquirrel day!
My wife went to work at the document center for a well known financial institution (which, in the interest of jurisprudential prudence, shall remain nameless) and there was placed in a department filled with products of the public educational system. These people hated each-other, and were forced to attend mandatory Saturday ``conflict resolution`` classes because they could barely work together. Things improved after my wife`s arrival-she`s a very calm and easy to get along with-but this bunch lacked the most rudimentary knowledge of the world. (The center has since closed.) Most knew who Bill Clinton was, and had enthusiastically voted for him, but couldn`t name any other public figure. They all rushed out eagerly to mattress sales because they believed you had to buy a new one each year; their jaws hit the floor when my wife told them that you were supposed to turn the mattress, not exchange it yearly! They were deathly afraid of germs, and put their fruits and vegetables in the dishwasher to sterilize them (and open numerous micro pits which allowed in more bacteria). They were, as the ignorant and liberal often are, absolutely convinced of the correctness of their position, and would defend the most preposterous positions to the point of bloodshed.
So, how did I become the Great Oracle? We lived in a mixed neighborhood, and Halloween was fast approaching. In order to have candy to give to the children I went to a nearby Big Lots, and bought a variety from them. Since I wasn`t overly concerned with name brands, I purchased a collection of old-fashioned, cheaper candies such as Clark Bars, Mary Janes, Now or Laters, etc. After Halloween we had a large amount of candy left and, since we are both diabetic, my wife took the remains into work. It turns out that this is what they call ``ghetto mix``, and my wife`s co-workers asked where she got it. She explained that I bought it, which catapulted me to instant stardom with them, since I had (in their words) ``soul``. After this fortuitous event, I became the source of all knowledge to them; whenever there was a dispute they demanded my wife obtain an official pronouncement from me! I became a legend...
At any rate, one of the disputes I had to arbitrate in my Solomonic role was the Great Groundhog/Groundsquirrel imbroglio. The argument was over the animal used to predict the length of winter; was it a groundhog or groundsquirrel. They came to conclude the latter, and wouldn`t listen to my wife, who was ordered to summon my great wisdom. They also couldn`t agree on the actual terms of the groundsquirrel; if it saw it`s shadow was it six more weeks or months of winter? They concluded the latter, but asked for my confirmation.
Of course, my wife knew full well that it was a groundhog and that six months of winter meant cold weather till August, but she kept her peace until the next day. She gently explained the truth, leaving out the 6 months business lest it embarrass them. My stature grew!
So, what is the point? First, I want to wish you all a happy groundsquirrel day! Second, I wanted to point out the near-total failure of public education in this country. There is no earthly reason for people to be so ill-informed if they have gotten out of high school; this terrible ignorance is a function of liberal intellectual and social experimentation in the classrooms, of a system intended to indoctrinate rather than educate (these people were all good Democrats), and an example of the failure of unionization of teachers. Our educational system is a mess. Those who doubt that statement need merely read the above!
On the upside, six more months of winter should be able to silence the Global Warming crowd for good! Happy groundsquirrel day!
posted by Timothy Birdnow | 5:10 AM
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