A conservative news and views blog.

Location: St. Louis, Missouri, United States

Wednesday, December 14, 2005


Seven Lbs. Dave sends this tongue-in-cheek example of Jimmy Carter style science:


Los Alamos has recently announced the discovery of the heaviest chemical
element yet known to science. The new element tentatively has been
named... "Governmentium."

Governmentium has 1 neutron, 12 assistant neutrons, 75 deputy neutrons,
and 11 assistant deputy neutrons, giving it an atomic mass of 312. These
312 particles are held together by forces called morons, which are
surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons.

Since governmentium has zero electrons, it is inert. However, it can be
detected as it impedes every reaction with which it comes into contact.
A minute amount of governmentium causes one reaction in excess of 4 days
to respond when it would normally take less than a second.

Governmentium has a normal half-life of 3 years; it does not decay, but
instead undergoes a restructuring in which a portion of the assistant
neutrons and deputy neutrons exchange places. In fact, governmentium's
mass will actually increase over time, since each shuffle, so to speak,
will cause some morons to mix with neutrons, forming isodopes.

This characteristic of moron-promotion leads some scientists to
speculate that governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a certain
quantity in concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as
"Critical Morass."

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